Next comes sex…
`You shall not commit adultery`, says God in the next of the ten commandments. How can this feed us?
Jesus quotes this verse, then, as ever, takes a profound step deeper, showing us the roots of the issue: `Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part than for your whole body to be thrown into hell!` Why does it matter so much?
Well, it’s next to the command about stealing for a reason. God forgives our sins; still, in this world sin can have massive consequences, and with this particular sin there’s a vast amount at stake. One day we’ll have to explain it to Jesus, who died in additional agony to pay for it. Then consider the pain of hurting massively, and probably losing, our spouse (if we’re married), our kids, our home. And, reflect on the shame among our family, our friends, our church. Maybe an adulterous pregnancy and its results, personally (for the child) and financially; maybe sexually transmitted disease. Think too about the huge damage adultery can do to our children, if it breaks up our marriage (as it quite probably will). All the evidence suggests that such a divorce makes children very unhappy, says parenting guru Penelope Leach; and five years afterwards, only one such child in ten has a warm relationship with the absent parent – indeed, tragically, child survivors of such divorces can tend to lose contact with both parents. `What if your children go to live with your ex?`, writes someone who has wandered this way. `Will they want to visit? Will you feel responsible for their teenage angst, anorexia, or cocaine habit? Will another man or woman usurp your place in their affections?`
So? So first, says Jesus, strike where it starts, deal with everyday lust. Ruthlessly, says Jesus: if your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out, throw it away. Practically, I find that if someone catches my eye on the street, a habit that seriously helps is to pray for them: Lord, bless them, speak to them, protect them. (That last one may be particularly relevant if what they’re wearing – perhaps unintentionally – is skimpy.)
Then, dealing with lust may mean facing and dealing with our pornography issues; and a great way to do that is to have an accountability partner. Have a look at https://x3watch.com ; this sends a list of sites you visit to your accountability partners — one or two people who are safe, but strong enough to ask you about them. Often knowing that others will knowthe sites we’ve visited is quite enough to keep us from temptation!
Where else might Jesus’ command about adultery apply, `If your right eye gouges it out, throw it away`? Jean-Claude Chalmet listed in the Sunday Times a number of `grey areas` to look out for that really aren’t grey at all. Giving your phone number to someone you’re attracted to; seeking their attention; the ‘innocent’ lunch date; the deepening friendship you avoid mentioning to your partner; digital flirtation (that’s when you get jumpy about phone notifications, and you’re changing passwords, or coding people’s names); playdates with the hot dad/mum on the school run; being unwise at the office party; fantasising about someone other than your partner; having a running buddy you spend as much time with as your partner… Ask yourself, he says: `As an emotionally faithful partner, does this make sense? What is my boundary?’
All that’s on the negative side. If we’re married, the big thing in avoiding adultery is working seriously to strengthen our marriage. Read relevant books (if we’re men it’s not a male thing to do, but your wife will appreciate it! – so, one a year??): like Rob Parsons’ Sixty Minute Marriage (so called because that’s how long it takes to read!), or The Marriage Book by Nicky & Sila Lee. Work consciously on the skills that make relationships grow: being a giver (that is, a real lover) rather than a taker; being an encourager; giving the time, and effort, to really communicate; learning how to apologize, how to compromise, how to really accept your spouse, how to forgive; learning to express respect and affection in a way they recognize (words? touch? gifts? acts of help? time? –what’s their love language?) (For another good introduction to the five love languages see http://fivelovelanguages-m0.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/2012/11/GatewayTo5LL.pdf ; The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is the book-length introduction.)
And if your marriage is in trouble, don‘t ignore that, and certainly don’t turn to a `friend` of the opposite sex; get real help – fast. When I moved from student ministry into pastoring a church I was astonished how little good material I could find for these situations. But I found that Michele Davis’ The Divorce Remedy is a fine, practical book for anyone whose marriage is in difficulties; and her website is www.divorcebusting.com .
And if we feel we’re struggling to follow Jesus in any of this, remember He is seriously motivated to enable us. Jesus invented both marriage and sex (reread the Song of Solomon!), and He cares! It’s true that, as J John says, if you’re in an adulterous relationship, the thing is to `end it now. Not tomorrow, not next week – now.` And yes, there will be a cost: `There is no easy way out, and, yes, somebody is always going to get hurt, but the only way to end it is to end it.` (Again remembering Jesus’ words: It’s better to lose a part of your body than to head for hell intact.) God is deeply, lovingly involved in all this; He loves everybody involved (`guilty party` too). And, if we’ve given our lives to Him, He really will look after the longterm process; let’s trust His enormous love and – here’s the point – carefully take the steps to obey Him…
