Today 2 Samuel 1, about something very practical indeed, a skill that will be essential for anyone in any leadership role (or friendship!) sooner or later.
What does this chapter show us about how a leader helps people face tragedy? For example: how do we help in a situation of bereavement? (I’ve tried to make what follows a really practical resource, embodying many of the best thoughts I’ve heard about this.)
Background: the Philistines have smashed the Israelite army at Gilboa. Among the many dead are Israel’s king Saul, and, heartbreakingly, David’s greatest friend Jonathan. And the news comes to David and his men just when they’ve arrived back in Ziklag, where their homes have been burnt down by the Amalekites. I notice several things about how David leads his men in response.
Look how David weeps over Saul (vv21-23). Saul had repeatedly tried to kill David, and most recently had succeeded in driving him out of Israel (1 Sam 27). It would have been easy to say that the defeat was Saul’s fault; he had driven out all David’s fine warriors, and had turned from God to the occult. But David forgives (he would be the only one to be damaged if he hadn’t). And, strikingly, he does all he can to ensure that Saul will be remembered as a hero. Indeed, he turns his praise of Saul into a public proclamation (1:18). Disaster is no time for recrimination or blame.
But there’s something even more important and practical. First, David faces up here to the tragedy and heartbreak, and he helps his people do so. There are churches that pretend these things don’t happen, that if we’ve been walking in faith there will be victory all the time, we’ll always be healthy, we’ll always be prosperous. (And then the answer to `How are you?` has to be unreal – `Everything’s fine, I’m walking in faith` – because anything else is `negative confession`. And we end up living a lie; and sooner or later it explodes.) Because hard times are allowed by God; and in them we grow in ways we will never be able to in heaven. May God make our churches places where the question `How are you?`gets a real answer! David here faces the pain, and so can we; knowing that `In all things God works` [somehow!- a need to reach out for faith here] `for the good of those who love Him`, even when what’s happening has come straight from Satan; knowing somehow that, like in 2 Sam 1, indeed like with the cross, when God gets involved, huge brokenness will in the end lead to glory…
But, this response isn’t just intellectual. David doesn’t bottle up his grief. `David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them. They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul, and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the Lord` (v12). These are tough characters, hardened warriors, but it is vital that they grieve. This is essential in bereavement: bottling up our emotion will only mean it explodes. But sometimes as leaders we have to help a friend to grieve. (And it may need many months.) Peter Hicks comments that “Our [British] culture tends to inhibit the expression of grief: ‘Stiff upper lip’, ‘Men don’t cry’, ‘Christians don’t grieve’, and so on. This is quite contrary to biblical teaching, and can be very harmful.” We grieve because we have loved. “Of course something as big as death affects us emotionally; we need to express that emotion, generally through the God-given means of tears.” Jesus wept at Lazarus’ grave, even though He then raised him from the dead. We are not called to hide our grief. Indeed, as Dale Ralph Davis asks, may it not help us to do what David does here, to `write down our grief in careful, thoughtful lament form, and offer it up to to God as such? And do so again and again?` This, after all, is what many of the psalms do: they give us words for our emotions, like grief; they help us not to hide from them, but to live the pain of them through with God. `Blessed are those who mourn`, said Jesus, `for they will be comforted…`
(I don’t often say this, but you may want to save these paragraphs on file for easy access, because they’re built on material I always used to reread before going to see someone facing bereavement.)
There is a pattern that often happens, which it’s good to recognize. As long as there are things to actively plan, particularly a funeral, they can fill the bereaved person’s mind; but once that phase is over, the feelings can come a lot more strongly; and that’s actually good, because if they’re not able to surface naturally they will force their way out in distorted ways. When we experience bereavement there are various things we may go through that may surprise us. Obviously shock (embodied maybe in denial that the whole thing is happening at all; deliberately talking or writing about the person we’ve lost can help defuse that). There can be disorientation (Hicks notes that this can express itself in `apathy, listlessness, loneliness, restlessness, irritability, sadness, depression and despair. These are all normal reactions to loss, and an expression of how much the person who has died meant`). Then can come guilt and anger – importantly, not reason-based feelings, rather internal psychological mechanisms; these impulses can go through our minds looking (as it were) for some rational basis – the guilt impulse looks for something for us to feel guilty about, when in fact there is no true reason to. And likewise anger – this can be equally unconnected to anything real or objective; but it may surface against the medical staff, against people present when the car crash happened, God, or ourselves (the guilt again). So if we find ourselves feeling angry, or guilty, we can know that this stormy mental weather need not have any actual objective basis that we should take seriously.
And all this can be a zigzag process, sometimes better sometimes worse, not at all a straight progression. And it can take a while (a year isn’t that unusual); during which it’s very important, like David, to allow our emotions freedom.
Secular grief expert David Kessler believes that the key to grief is meaning. And here we have what David didn’t: if the person we’ve lost was or might perhaps have been a believer, it will help us if we can strengthen our biblical sense of the glory and wonder they’ve gone into now, and the fact that we will meet again. Maybe reading (not studying, just taking in) passages like 1 Corinthians 15:35-58 can help; or Psalm 23, or even Revelation (eg chs 4 and 21). Or 1 Thessalonians 4: `We do not want you to… grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.` [That is, do grieve, but not like they do.] `We believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him… So we will be with the Lord for ever. Therefore encourage each other with these words!` This doesn’t remove the pain – what’s happened is like someone very close emigrating to Australia who you won’t see again for a good number of years; people cry passionately at airport departures, and for good reasons. But it will make it different. And obviously a good church should deepen these senses too.
So back to us as helpers. What can we do? Hicks, in his immensely helpful look-up handbook on pastoral issues What Could I Say?, suggests: `Offer help. Look for small, practical ways of expressing your support and love… Be patient. The process is slow and long. Keep up the support and caring. Watch out for mood swings and steps “backwards” in the grieving process. The fact that the bereaved person says, “I’m fine now”, does not prevent him or her going through a bad patch next week… Encourage talking about the person who has died. Where a wife has lost her husband after years of marriage, for example, it is cruel to expect her suddenly to cut him out of her thoughts and conversation… If you believe the process of grieving is not going forward satisfactorily, encourage the person to seek help from a suitable counsellor… Watch out for anniversaries. Send a card or flowers and give special support…`
And, he says, `Love and support are far more significant in the shock and darkness of bereavement than well-thought-out comments and attempted explanations.` However – `when the time is right, some of these suggestions may be helpful [to say]: Allow yourself to grieve. Don’t underestimate the shock and sadness the death of a loved one brings. Go easy on yourself. Don’t keep a stiff upper lip… Accept help. Don’t try and manage on your own. You need love and support from others; and they need to be able to express their love and support for you… Wounds don’t heal overnight. Where you have loved much you will need to grieve much. Expect good days and bad days, progress and setbacks… Treasure memories. Relive the good experiences of the past. But don’t get stuck in the past; use it as a foundation to build a good future… If possible, avoid major changes in the early days of bereavement. It might be unwise, for example, to move to a new area and thus lose a supportive circle of friends. But as time goes by, work at developing new interests and friendships… Be prepared to get specific help. If you are finding the grieving process difficult in any way, don’t hesitate to seek help from a minister or a counsellor. Have someone who is willing to let you contact them at any time if you are feeling particularly low… It doesn’t need to be a professional counsellor: just someone who will listen, provide a shoulder to cry on, make you a cup of tea, and generally stand by you in your need. Have someone you can be honest with… There are times when we need to talk through our anger, fears, loneliness and so on…`
I hope some of that may help some of us someday! This can be a daunting part of leadership (or rather, of friendship). But, we do have the supernatural presence of God with us to help us be helpful, and help us do and say the right things. `The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He has anointed me… to bind up the broken-hearted… to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair…`
PS Hicks’ superb handbook is available from IVPUK at www.ivpbooks.com – full of practical advice on a wide range of specific pastoral issues we may face, and strongly recommended!
