(The latest in our occasional series for homegroup leaders and homegroup leader training – for more see our Homegroup Leader Resources section!)
Learn to listen!
Nod and grunt; reflect back what they’re saying, especially the ‘feeling’ words; NEVER say “I know just how you feel”; resist the urge to tell a long, similar story of your own
Partner with the Holy Spirit
Ask for His help; without that you’re in trouble; and He does want to help!
Know yourself
… and what pushes your own Big Red Buttons; this will help you not to overreact
There are 3 sides to any story
The first side you hear isn’t always the truth. The third side is GOD’s version of events!
Confidentiality & Promises
NEVER promise total confidentiality. This is one of the few non-negotiables. Almost certainly you won’t stop the conversation dead.
Spiritual < > Physical
When someone turns up with a spiritual problem, consider it possible that there’s a physical cause; and vice versa
All change is bereavement
… so go gently with the people who aren’t keen on the changes you or your fellowship are introducing
Grief takes time
…eg the loss of a close family member; 18 months may be the earliest you can expect a bereaved person to get back on an even keel. Dissuade them from making major decisions too early
Know the Bible
…. e.g. before you counsel against sex outside marriage… `where’s that in the Bible, eh?` Are you ready for that?
Boundaries
Are you really on call 24hrs/day? Would you drop everything for their emergency? Say “Let’s meet for an hour”. And sit where you can easily see a clock.
Suicide
If someone mentions thoughts of suicide, gauge the real risk by asking how often they think about it and whether they’ve thought of a method. Don’t worry; these questions will not encourage suicide.
Get help if necessary
You don’t have to be omni-competent or able to cope with every problem
Cultural issues
Be aware of possible offence or misunderstanding when cultures collide
Maintenance is better than repair
A regular, genuine ‘How are you?’, or ‘Sorry’, may save hours of repair work later
Rebuke quickly…
Don’t let bad feeling fester for long; and get someone else to pray while you’re confronting anyone
They need to know you know
Remember personal details, and find ways to communicate “I know the contribution you’re making”
Answers & advice…?
You might genuinely have some, but, bottom line, it’s not your responsibility to have all the answers. Ask them to suggest Bible verses that speak into their situation. If none are forthcoming, ask God for some.
2 useful questions near the end of your time together:
‘What do you think is the most important thing you’ve told me’, and ‘Is there anything you think you should do as a result of what you’ve told me?`
80% of success is turning up (quote from Woody Allen)
We often don’t know what to say or how to help, but turn up anyway and so give the Holy Spirit something to work with!
Love is spelled T,I,M,E
PS Here’s a question to discuss perhaps: In a 1-on-1, how do you know when you’re not being listened to? Answers might include….
Snoring
Wrong responses
The other person looking at their watch
Interrupting
Answering too early
Diversions
They finish your sentences
They look elsewhere
Reading the newspaper
Body language
Restlessness
Inappropriate eye contact
No questions
No follow up
Memory failure
(Big thanks for this guest blog to an anonymous and experienced friend!)
