With this post we’re launching out on the third and final module of our Foundations course. My prayer is this will both be helpful in itself but also good raw material for anyone doing a discipleship course, eg in a homegroup or youth group. We’ll hope to reflect on what discipleship means in relationships; forgiveness; work; use of money; use of time; church life; using our gifts; and globally. I will value prayer to make these fruitful!
If you’re using this and haven’t recently used either of the first two modules, you might like to preface it with a little from these; for example some of Foundations 1 on what is central to our faith (eg the first two sessions); and perhaps one from Foundations 2 on evangelism, for example the second.
So then: following Jesus in relationships – a vital topic, because `Love your neighbour as yourself` is God’s second great commandment, second only to `Love the Lord your God`…
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STARTER: Discuss – What do you look for or hope for in a relationship with a good friend?
The God we worship loves relationships! Throughout eternity there have been deeply loving relationships thriving within the Trinity; God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. But God loves relationships so much he made more! He created human beings – and then he told us to go forth and multiply so that there would be more of us! We are built for relationships – `It is not good for the man to be alone` (Gen 2:18).
In the end broken relationships are a direct result of sin, the deceptions of Satan, and our rebellion against God in the Fall. In Genesis 3, the break in the human/God relationship, caused by our attempt to be our own gods and run our own world (3:5-9), develops immediately into broken relationships between man and woman (3:12,16), then between humans and nature (3:17-19); and soon afterwards this spreading breakdown of relationships results in the first murder. We’ve inherited the results, in even more widespread breakdown of relationships today.
But 1 John 3:8 tells us that Jesus came to destroy the works of Satan. One way Jesus does this is by putting the power for healthy relationship into each of his followers – the guidance of his Word, and the love, peace, joy and gentleness that are the fruit of his Spirit.
Only, the Holy Spirit cannot partner with us where there’s sin; our sin is a barrier that shuts us off from God’s power for goodness, and left to itself will condemn us to death (Rom 6:23). But Jesus has died to pay the penalty for all our sins, and therefore we can each reach out and receive God’s forgiveness. And as we do, we can invite the Holy Spirit to come and live in us (this is something so fundamental that Jesus calls it our new birth). And he then brings the power to love God’s way, the power to put our relationships right.
But power for what? What are God’s two great commands for our lives (Matt 22:35-39)? God’s two great commands are that we love him and love our neighbour.
And these two are linked inseparably. As Christ’s loving disciples we have a calling to build good relationships, and help other people to do the same. Loving God means loving our neighbour (1 John 4:20-21); likewise, good relationships demonstrate the nature of Jesus (John 13:35; John 17:20-21).
DISCUSSION: Read Eph 5:21-6:9. In this passage we find the relationships of wife and husband, parent and child, employer and employee. The principles it contains apply also to our relationships with other family members, and with colleagues, housemates, business partners, friends, neighbours… So then: what two principles does the headline verse of this whole passage, v21, highlight as things that make a relationship strong? (What does it mean to “submit to one another, out of reverence to Christ”?)
What are the things that we ourselves tend to do or not do that make a close relationship healthy?
And in our families in particular: What are the things that we ourselves tend to do or not do that help our family relationships grow?
So how do we grow in building good relationships?
1. Learn the skills that make relationships grow. For example: how to apologize; how to compromise; being a giver (that is, a genuine lover) rather than a taker; being proactive eg making the effort to speak to someone who looks lonely; taking the time and trouble to communicate; being a deliberate encourager…
And learning to express respect and affection in a way the other person recognizes: words? touch? gifts? acts of help? time? which of these is their “love language”? (The “five love languages” is an incredibly helpful way of thinking about many of our relationships – with friends, partners, parents, children, teenagers, even with God – one for which we must all be very grateful to author Gary Chapman. For more about it please see http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html and http://fivelovelanguages-m0.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/2012/11/GatewayTo5LL.pdf.)
2. Here too are some other skills of friendship you may want to ask God to help you grow in:
• Being encouraging, not competitive
• Giving out, not draining the other person
• Being honest, open, and serious about what matters to them; not superficial, trivial or hypocritical
• Being reliable, loyal, trustworthy
• Taking an interest in the other person’s concerns, not just our own; and in each other’s experiences and history
• Knowing how to forgive (openness to each other means we will sometimes hurt each other)
• And having a shared life with God, sharing together in the growth of his kingdom
So what from all this applies to my relationship with my spouse? my kids? my elderly parents? my housemate? my colleague? Perhaps you will want to use these lists as prayer lists, praying that we may apply these things to our lives by the Spirit’s power within us! Because love comes from the Spirit (Gal 5:22; 1 Cor 13:4-7) who mends us, helps us grow like Jesus, helps us become genuine friends; and as we pray, we partner with him…
3. Restoration when our relationships go wrong:
• Reach out to God for the sense of his colossal love for you (John 15:9). Because he loves us, no damage to us can last forever!
• Special help may however be needed for deep-seated hurts; working them through (eg forgiving someone) with pastoral care, maybe with counselling.
• Ask Jesus to help you grow in forgiveness towards the one who hurt you. This isn’t always easy, at all. Sometimes it’s a journey we can travel only through the power of Jesus himself within us. Praying regularly for God’s real blessing on them is a habit that may sometimes help…
4. Repenting ourselves where relationships have become broken:
• With our family – with our parents, with our children
• In our marriage (including sexual unfaithfulness, but definitely not only that)
• With friends, or colleagues, or neighbours
If these things apply to us – where there’s been disobedience to God, or where we’ve been unloving – we need to repent and seek God’s forgiveness. That’s the starting point. But we may also need to apologize to those whom we have hurt, or may perhaps have hurt.
Repentance also involves committing to invest effort in learning – by God’s power – to do it differently: books (see `Recommended Reading` below), and courses on eg marriage or parenting.
5. And how can we move towards deeper God-centredness in our families, with spouses, children, parents?:
• Feed on God’s Word together, especially with our kids;
• Cultivate prayer as a reflex-reaction, whenever possible;
• Cultivate a deliberately missional orientation to our life together —
• including world mission!
• Conscious stewardship of God’s money, and of the time he gives
(It’s because these things – eg the way we use our money, our home, our time, our future plans – will be key features of any deep relationship, that moving towards an `unequal yoke` (such as a marriage where one partner is a `temple of God`, someone dedicated to his glory, but the other is a `temple` centred ultimately on something else – no matter how good; 2 Cor 6:14-18) is not only disregarding God’s command but is really unfair to both parties; there’s a depth of relationship, where God is present too, that will always be unachievable in that case. God’s strong command about this is meant for our good and our wholeness: it’s hard enough to maintain a marriage without your very deepest drives pulling you in opposite directions. In the end, these opposite drives can either pull your marriage apart, or suppress the deepest, God-centred life-direction of the Christian partner, denying them the destiny God created them for.)
6. And let’s ask God to help us live by the fruit of his Spirit! We so much need the vision for how to live that we can only get from daily Bible reading, plus the power to actually do it that comes from the filling of God’s Spirit. So claim the Spirit’s filling each day – think what sins yesterday may have grieved him; repent; ask God’s forgiveness; and then ask him to fill you afresh… Maybe do that before you even leave your bedroom – otherwise, to quote a friend, `the morning people may have to stop the evening people killing each other over breakfast!`)
And perhaps use these as fuel for worship:
The difference God the Father makes to love:
• Knowing God is love; therefore love matters enormously
• Trusting the goodness of his calling into the relationships where he’s led you
• Trusting his commands do lead you into life
The difference God the Son makes to love: eg Eph 5:25 – his cross shows us what love is –
• Love is self-giving first
• Love does involve openness to the risk of getting hurt
• Forgiveness is central to genuine love
The difference God the Spirit makes to love:
• `“Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit”, says the Lord` – this is the secret of good relationships too!
`Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God` (Eph 5:1-2).
PS Almost nothing has been said above about sex, but I found the following really helpful, as I know others have, as a summary of `What adultery might cost me`. It’s quoted (very slightly adapted) from Randy Alcorn’s helpful booklet Sexual Temptation (IVP-USA):
What adultery might cost me:
• Dragging Jesus’ honour in the mud
• Having one day to face Jesus with this
• Untold hurt to _____________, my spouse and my best friend
• Longterm loss of _____________’s respect and trust
• Maybe losing my spouse and kids forever
• Huge hurt and lost credibility with my children
• Widespread shame to my family
• Shame and hurt among my friends
• Loss of power and credibility in my witness
– and especially within my family
• Giving great pleasure to Satan
• Loss of self-respect
• Adulterous pregnancy & its longterm results – personal (for the child) and financial too
• Maybe infection with serious sexual disease, eg herpes or even AIDS
• Maybe infecting my spouse…
ABSORB TIME: What has felt particularly relevant in this session? Spend some time in prayer, in confession, and in recommitment. And if you’re doing this as a group, pray together about these things.
RECOMMENDED READING:
The Marriage Book, by Nicky & Sila Lee
The Parenting Book, by Nicky & Sila Lee
The Five Love Languages series by Gary Chapman
The 60 Minute series of books on relationships by Rob Parsons (so called because that’s how long they’re likely to take to read!)
The Divorce Remedy, by Michele Weiner Davis (very helpful for when a marriage is going wrong)
The Relationships Revolution, by Nigel Pollock
52 Ways To Show Aging Parents you Care, by Todd Temple and Tracy Green
IMPORTANT NOTE: For a lot of this post’s approach, and for numerous thoughts within it, I’m heavily indebted to my former colleague at Wycliffe Church in Reading UK, Graeme Fairbairn, and our gifted missionary Shely Ganguly.
