Today part of our 2 Samuel leadership manual that might be crucial one day for lots of us… A sex story; sex, God’s great gift, but how also our sex drives can wreck our lives, families, futures; and, what do we do about that risk…?
David is a masculine warrior, a successful king. But for some reason he’s not out on the front line where he should have been (11:1; a lesson there perhaps?) Instead, one warm evening he covertly watches a gorgeous woman bathing nearby, then invites her for sex. Hollywood could no doubt turn what follows into a terrific sex scene. But the movies don’t always say how things can go wrong afterwards. Bathsheba sends him a message that she’s pregnant; David sees the need to cover up his misdeed. Sexual energy can link to dark things in our psyche, and he has her husband killed (v15). God reveals all this to the prophet Nathan, who has the courage (and he must have needed it) to confront the king (ch12); David genuinely repents (Psalm 51); David is genuinely forgiven.
But – though he’s really forgiven, there are big consequences. If you or I get drunk, drive too fast and kill somebody, will God ever forgive us? Yes. Will He ever use us again? Yes (if we truly repent). Will we still go to heaven? Yes. Will we still go to prison? Yes! The results of David’s sexual sin rebound down the family in the next generation’s behaviour. This isn’t a cuddly story.
Two chapters on, ch13: David’s son Amnon fails, like his dad, to resist his lust. But what he does is force his beautiful sister into sex. And then comes the Bible’s terrible realism; once Amnon gets what he wants, disenchantment follows. True Love Waits; but sex, when we get it too early, outside marriage, can simply mean `I want your body, but I don’t so much want you.` And when that rejection becomes obvious, it can hurt even more than the unwanted sex; it does here (13:16). Sex is God’s gift, but sex outside marriage is not. Outside marriage it’s so often marketed as soft focus, sweet even, so normal. But the Bible says no: what it can equally involve is unwanted pregnancy, even rejection and hate; and maybe wreckage going down the generations. Sometimes our sexual culture creates more hurt than we ever imagine.
The link between these chapters is plain. What David does destroys his moral authority; his son is no more trained to keep his hands off a woman he wants than his father was; the only difference is Amnon is willing to use force. But it’s not just Amnon. His half-brother Absalom has been started on the wrong road too; when David fails to discipline Amnon Absalom kills him, then revolts and rapes all David’s concubines (16:22). Then there’s half-brother Solomon, who had huge battles with his sex drive that Proverbs’ early chapters seem to recall repeatedly. Eventually it got out of control as he collected an astonishing 700 wives & 300 other sex partners, which led him terribly astray (1 Kings 11); with the result that the whole nation was broken in two and never recovered. How come? Well: he was Bathsheba’s son, and his mother wasn’t exactly well placed to teach him purity, nor, most surely, was his dad. David’s soft-focus adultery may have come from an understandable desire for intimacy, but these histories show how the results rebounded down the generations, finally wrecking both his family and his community.
These temptations can come suddenly, and there can be huge damage if we fall. It’s happened in my church, not once nor twice. The risk is perhaps greatest when we’re alone with no accountability. I remember once how, late after a successful day and a warm shower, a gorgeous woman knocked at my hotel room door. I wonder what I’d be doing today if I’d lingered and not shut the door. Maybe no one would have known, and I’d have lived a lie longterm, eventually wrecking what I was doing with God, and probably my marriage and family. Or if I’d have told the truth and maybe unleashed equally huge consequences. I think of a married friend who went off for a `dirty weekend` in a foreign city. Sweet, but his marriage crashed after that, and he ended up living alone in a little rented place, never seeing his kids. (Up to 40% of divorced fathers lose touch with their kids within two years.) Meanwhile his wife struggled to pay the mortgage, and his daughters (we’ve watched alas) have grown up without the vital influence and help of a dad. It’s astonishing how many people you can hurt, how many precious relationships you can destroy, in one evening’s immorality. There’s a practical exercise here in the PS that may help us catch the potential cost. Sexual sin is surely not the only sin; nor the worst – but it can creep up so suddenly, and do such enormous damage…
So what do we do? How (as we must) shall we `arm ourselves`?
1 Don’t take risks. David got into trouble because he lingered in a situation of temptation that he should have walked straight out of. (`If your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out`, says Jesus hyperbolically (Matt 5:28-29).) Think in contrast of Joseph: when faced with sexual temptation, he ran; and the immediate results weren’t great at all, but God made it so worthwhile longterm. Let’s not play with fire; there are people we shouldn’t see that often, nor be spending time with in private. And, don’t let yourself get into situations you can’t get out of if things start to get sweaty.
2 Don’t feed the wrong appetites. I’ve a friend who ended up in sexual disaster, and it started with pornography. Developing habits, muscles, of holiness can protect us from slipping, step by step, into trouble. It’s not always this way; the trap can open suddenly – a workmate with a cute smile asking what we’re doing tonight. Still, developing habits of switching off the TV when it gets ungodly, turning the page likewise in a magazine, even walking out of a cinema, means we’re more likely to have mental muscles trained to resist major temptations.
3 Don’t let yourself get into dangerous situations. Don’t say, If this happens I’m strong enough to handle it; as God says, let the person who thinks they’re standing take heed lest they fall. This can be like Satan tempting Jesus to jump off the temple on the basis that angels will catch him. And let’s not rationalize such situations; let’s not use false spiritual motives. `They need me. No one else will understand them.` Trust me, they don’t. Trust God to look after them.
4 Maintain healthy relationships, so that you don’t need to seek intimacy and friendship in unhealthy places. Especially if you’re married: that marriage relationship needs maintenance, and indeed deliberate enhancement! And if there’s a problem growing between you, face it, work on it. If you fail your kids may pay for it lifelong! I remember when I left IFES my Canadian colleague asked if my wife and I might go to marriage counselling. I was shocked, because it isn’t our British way to do that unless there’s a problem! But he pointed out that, if you have a car, you take it to someone experienced every few years for a checkup. Doesn’t your marriage need the same? (We went. Even though it’s not such a male thing to do either.)
5 Consider finding an accountability partner. As Genesis says, it’s not good to be alone, and that was David’s problem here. With pornography (and probably enough of us are reading this for some of us to have a problem), it’s easy to arrange an accountability partner through x3watch.com or covenanteyes.com, who can be sent a list of the sites you visit; that can really help!! Maybe ask someone in your church to ask you honest questions: Is there anyone you’re fancying, or spending time with, that you shouldn’t? have you drifted into using porn? and … are you lying to me?!
And one last thing. We’re never beyond the reach of temptation; we’re also never beyond the reach of God’s grace. If we sin there is always a way back, and we should be quick to confess and repent. It’s true that sin leads to consequences and discipline; we wouldn’t learn otherwise. But if we repent, God’s forgiving love is more than we can dream or imagine. So do I know how to receive God’s forgiveness? I won’t quote them here, but reread Psalm 32:1-7, and Psalm 51 which we’ll absorb next week. We implore you on Christ’s behalf, said Paul: be reconciled to God! Jesus died to pay for every single gram of our guilt, and now we can confidently receive His total forgiveness, love and restoration, for absolutely anything; absolutely anything! It’s there for us if we truly repent; if we believe, and then trust, His love, and His cross…
PS If you’re married the attached may be a really helpful exercise; perhaps one also to distribute in your church?:
WHAT ADULTERY MIGHT COST ME…
• Dragging Jesus’ honour in the mud
• Having one day to face Jesus with this
• Untold hurt to _____________, my spouse and my best friend
• Longterm loss of _____________’s respect and trust
• Maybe losing my spouse and kids forever
• Huge hurt and lost credibility with my children, whose names are…
• Widespread shame to my family
• Shame and hurt among my friends
• Loss of power and credibility in my witness (and especially within my family)
• Giving great pleasure to Satan
• Loss of self-respect
• Adulterous pregnancy & its longterm results – personal (for the child) and financial too
• Maybe infection with serious sexual disease, eg herpes or even AIDS
• Maybe infecting my spouse.
(Adapted from Randy Alcorn, Sexual Temptation)
`Be of sober spirit, be on the alert; your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour’ – 1 Peter 5:8
`I am with you always!’ –Matthew 28:20
