Let’s start this post with a liberating thought for all of us; if we haven’t needed it yet, we will, and if we grasp it it it will bless us!
Our culture often teaches us that growing older is approaching obsolescence or even shipwreck (`Old age is a shipwreck`, French president Charles de Gaulle). It’s poor manners to remind someone of their age; extra years are to be concealed, pretended about. (`She has been thirty‑five ever since she arrived at the age of forty’, says Oscar Wilde’s Lady Bracknell of an acquaintance, ‘which was many years ago now.’ Cary Grant received from a fact-checker the cabled query `How old Cary Grant?’, and returned the immortal reply `Old Cary Grant fine how you?’)
We are so used to this habit of denial that we forget how culturally‑bound – and personally destructive – it is. And too many of us, even believers, are in bondage on this front. How, in glorious contrast, can the biblical writer of Proverbs see advanced years as a cause for deep thankfulness (`Grey hair is a crown of splendour’ (Prov 16:31 and 20:29)? Those words are on the authority of God himself! Do we believe them?- because if so, they can give us confidence, radicalise our self-image, set us free! (Once when I preached this I invited everyone present to turn to their neighbour and say that verse: `My grey hair is a crown of splendour!` The room rippled with hesitancy!)
But Proverbs 16:31 is so countercultural it’s worth making it a memory verse! God says that growing older is a triumph. If there really has been a divine purpose working itself out in our lives (`The Lord is my Shepherd’ – and look at Rom 8:28), extra years become something of which to be proud. They represent an extra degree of accumulated experience that is valuable because God‑given, extra years of progress in the divine moulding and, sculpturing and shaping. Age is not something to be denied (`I’m young at heart, really’); rather, in Henri Nouwen’s terms, it’s the `gradual fulfillment of the life cycle`, the final harvest rather than the final defeat. May our church be one where we’re proud of growing older, glad to have walked with God and had his shaping for more than just a few years. This is good news and so very liberating!
Age has a dignity. Lack of respect for the elderly can be one of the hardest things for Africans or Chinese coming into British culture to understand, and it’s been one of the ways my own mentality has been challenged by working with friends from these cultures. (Part of this valuing of age is about valuing wisdom; but of course wisdom is a word our culture has lost. We talk about technical expertise – for example in computer details – or admire the mastery of nuances of style. But we’ve lost this concept of wisdom, because wisdom comes from experiences that are meaningful (which our culture is not at all sure about), and especially from years of walking with God and feeding on his Word.)
And yet: that’s all very well. What if we, or the elderly person, is a physical and mental wreck and helpless? I think of my mum in the dementia of her last several years, no longer the gifted poet she once had been, talking incomprehensible gibberish, being incontinent; a second babyhood, to put it kindly. But that’s just what it is of course. We care for a baby, value a baby, why?- well first because they are family (and see Paul’s forceful words in 1 Tim 5:8 about that); and then because there is so much potential there. Yes, and the same is true of a child of God with dementia; in a very few years they’re going to be far more glorious than we can ever imagine!
But that’s only the final stage. We are really lacking in imagination if we think that to be old is to be obsolete with nothing to contribute, instead of thinking deliberately about how the gifts of the elderly can be mobilised; not just for things that nobody else wants to do, but for pastoring and caring, for evangelism, and particularly as a powerhouse for intercession, as people who may well have a little bit more time. (Practical idea: if you feel your life, your family, your service for Christ need the blessing from God that comes from prayer, then the logical thing to do is to find a couple of seniors and get them praying for you!) Probably, too, our church should keep an up to date list to ensure that every elderly person is at the least an associate member of a homegroup who will take a genuine prayerful interest in them, even if they can seldom get along.
In Christ’s Body, says Paul, `If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body”` [can that happen in our church? If so why?], `that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body”, that would not make it any less a part of the body… The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”` [this is so relevant!], `nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honourable we bestow the greater honour!` (That is the way of Christ!)
LEARNING TO LOVE
If we haven’t got a granny, our church may be a good place to find one! But let’s be realistic: relating to the elderly can be an art that will need to be learnt. There used to be an attitude that `real men` don’t read books about marriage; that would be a hobby for the wife. (`My wife is my research assistant` – can you believe someone said that?) Too many of those `real men` learned the hard way by getting real divorces. (But this is still an issue, which is why in any church marriage preparation is a crucial ministry.) The same is true about reading books about parenting; there were books I read when my kids were already growing up that I wish I’d read much earlier, because I would have been so much better a dad. And likewise there are vital books about relating to the elderly, particularly our parents. I was really helped practically by one called 52 Ways to Show Elderly Parents You Care, though again I wish I’d got it earlier. (It’s out of print, but putting its name into Amazon flagged up a number of similar titles.) I remember Lindsay Brown saying that three key components here (which of course we need to learn in any relationship) are gifts of time (ensuring time together); gifts of real and regular communication (including expressing gratitude, praise, and encouragement); and gifts of demonstrating affection. Sometimes we may have to deal with demands to go the second mile in giving time, and sometimes there may be a third mile that we’re not called to go, rather keeping it in reserve as something more we can give in emergency. Nevertheless, we do need to learn how to give these gifts: gifts of time, of communication, of affection, expressed in ways the elderly parent will recognize.
This is a place where Gary Chapman’s incredibly valuable book The Five Love Languages may be helpful; like in our other relationships, we need to learn to give affection in terms of our parent’s or elderly friend’s love language rather than our own. Chapman lists five love languages: words of affection and affirmation, quality time together, gifts, physical touch, and acts of service and help. (See also 5LoveLanguages.com .) Your love language may not be theirs; if for example your way of showing love is by helping, yet what they want above all is time together. Are you showing love in a way that the elderly person in your life can feel?
So let’s be practical: think of the elderly person God has put close to you (again, whether a parent – which can be hardest – or someone else); how do you learn the art of loving them? How do you show them value and respect? (Which includes respecting their independence and their choices as far as possible: What do you want?). (This may even be something to remember as you get to know a potential marriage partner; how do they relate to their closest relatives?) Touch is obvious: hugs, hand-holding; gifts too, taking the trouble to think of creative presents, and keeping a note in your diary to celebrate particularly significant dates. Words of affection and affirmation: You look good today, you did that well. Or an email or letter just expressing gratitude for something, even from years ago: perhaps backed up with a small photo album. Retell them your own story, particularly the ways they’ve blessed you.
And here’s one that struck me particularly from the 52 Ways book: asking about, and recording, their memories. (Again, I wish I’d heard this idea before it was too late with my parents, although it was still in time for my motherinlaw, and we learned interesting things!) It matters a lot to parents whether we care about what they’ve experienced, what’s happened in their lives; and many parents will be delighted (and surprised) to have the chance to tell their story to their children. How much of it have you actually listened to before? (And indeed one day we may be really glad we did.) I say a sound recording, not a video, if their body, their face especially, is really starting to show the years in a way that wasn’t typical for most of their life. But – what are the highlights of their life as they look back, and the achievements they most feel good about? And especially in the last decade or so? What do they remember about your grandparents? What are their earliest memories? What were they good at in school? What did they want to do at 18? How did they become a believer, if they did; and if so, what were the greatest sources of blessing and spiritual growth, and what were highlights of their spiritual lives as they look back over the years? What dreams did they have for the future that came to pass? What do they change their mind over? How did they court their spouse? What are their best memories of your own childhood? What life-lessons would they like to pass on to you now? Etc, etc…
Then, of course, there’s the love language of time. Prioritizing time for unrushed visits, making time to go for walks with them (it may make all the difference as to whether they get the exercise they need). And to read the Bible with or for them (maybe the Psalms especially); emphasise for them that Jesus loved them so much he died for them. If they’re not a believer yet, you may be surprised how small things you do (with prayer!) can gently move them towards salvation! Perhaps take your friends to be with them; maybe invite them to celebrations. Use the skills you’ve learned in your love-life: have a candlelit date, or find some way to celebrate Valentine’s Day; setting up things for them to look forward to. (I hope you’re thinking, I’d like to try some of this out!)
Then help, acts of service. How specifically? Maybe technically, in these days of endlessly changing, and often confusing, gadgets. Maybe financially if there is need (balancing 1 Tim 5:8 and 2 Cor 12:14; and think of what Jesus exerts himself to do even on the cross, John 19:27). Maybe drafting key letters for them as they get older, and helping them keep in touch with friends; or helping them order things online. Maybe going with them to the doctor so that the right questions get asked (but – as in all these things – without taking over!).
`Love is patient, love is kind… It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love… always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres…` (1 Cor 13). These things are so valuable, particularly if the elderly person or our parent is depressed, from loneliness or boredom or the sense of decline and uselessness or of having to cope with changes. Some of it may not be easy, especially if we carry real hurts from our childhood, or if some of their depression means they take it out on those (carers for example) closest to them – or on you. And sometimes these relationships will involve difficult decisions with no ideal answer, and may give us a false sense of guilt – for example, whether our responsibilities to our own children mean the time has come for our parents to go into a nursing home. God will guide us, but often this is where we will need to talk very honestly to outsiders who can look at the situation objectively. But in doing all these things we’re doing what Jesus would do; think of what he said to those who cared for the least of his brothers in Matthew 25 (and, what he said to those who didn’t get round to it!) And when it’s not easy, the Holy Spirit will be delighted to help us – also growing in us the eternally valuable (yes) fruit of patience; this is part of his shaping for the millions of years to come…!
CARING FOR THE CARERS
One of the most valuable things we can do for the elderly is supporting the carers who care for them. (And often it doesn’t happen 🙁 .) Here are some really helpful notes about that (not by me!):
Did you know that in the UK 1 person in 10 is a ‘carer’? (How many would that be in your church?) And that many residential homes for older people are closing, putting loads for caring elsewhere that are increasing?
A carer is anyone who looks after a person with an illness, frailty or disability. The carer may be of any age, may be a relative or neighbour or friend. The care given may be physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual; there may be physical and also mental needs to be cared for. It’s a role which many people will have at some stage in their life.
Many of this vast unseen group of workers may not be recognised as ‘carers’. The usual age is 40 – 60, both men and women, but some are much older, looking after their husbands or wives, very old parents or disabled children – all people with some kind of physical or mental disability. And the other group of carers, often forgotten, are children. Looking after their parent(s) with physical or emotional problems, children who also have to attend school and try and do their homework and pass exams – not much time for playing or having friends!
The changing social scene in UK has led to more carers in our society. Social mobility means families move away for work and generations get split up, and broken families leads to weaker (or non-existent) family ties for caring. The rapidly ageing population, coupled with the decreasing birth rate, means there are more very old people and fewer children to care for them – and many women, the traditional carers, now work. For many reasons, the ‘sense of community’ which was more common in the past and in rural areas, is now harder to find – despite the over hopeful option of ‘care in the community’. Former residential forms of caring are now reducing. Care workers are appallingly paid. Many homes for older people are closing due to complex government regulations, difficulty in getting staff, the high cost of caring for dependent people and uncertainty about payment of bills. Hospitals now work on the principal of the ‘revolving door’ where the patient is diagnosed, given treatment and advice, and sent back home to the carer as soon as possible – often too soon with the lack of sufficient community nurses.
Often the ‘carer’ does not see themselves as such – rather they are just `the wife’ or ‘the parent’ or ‘the friend’. However, once the ‘label’ of ‘carer’ is accepted, this may be the helpful gateway to much needed help and support for themselves: social, emotional, financial and practical. Their often unending, demanding and invisible caring can then be recognised and a discussion started over what support they, the carer, needs.
Because caring has real costs. Much caring is given very willingly and lovingly, whether the end will be soon or, maybe, the caring role stretches on for years. In some situations what starts as a crisis may develop into a long term situation. There may be different emotions involved in looking after a baby or young child to caring for an adult, older person or one with a terminal illness, where they do not have long to live on this earth. But the emotional costs to the carer could, in the worst cases, include: worsening of family relationships (sometimes leading to a breakdown); loss of personal identity and confidence by the carer; anger and resentment at their situation; feelings of exploitation; lack of recognition; boredom; or maybe feeling inadequate and guilty. Some physical tasks dealing with the body of the patient may be very unpleasant and draining.
Another emotional cost comes as some carers have to give up work (or change to unsatisfying, boring and badly paid work) because of their caring duties. And with the loss of the job can come lowered self-image, loss of work friends, loss of the chance of promotion to a more interesting role, and perhaps significant financial problems. If the carer has had to give up work which they have enjoyed they may feel trapped, jealous, and that their personal hopes for their future have been lost. Only some carers are fortunate in having flexible work and understanding employers.
Again, the carer may fear the future for themselves or for the person they look after. (In particular, older parents of children who need care often worry about this.) Almost certainly the carer will feel tired, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. They may be helped by a sense of family and Christian duty – but still sometimes they may feel ‘why me?’ or ‘I am not doing this work with enough patience’.
Then the social costs could well include a reducing social circle of friends as it is difficult to leave their charge (the person they care for), or maybe even to invite friends round. Or they are just too tired, and home life has become unpredictable – one cannot foretell when the next crisis will happen. They appreciate reliable friends who understand the situation, are aware of timing problems in caring (routines, medical appointments, emergencies) and can be flexible when plans have to change. Friends who may happily volunteer to babysit a lovely little baby for an evening may be less willing to ‘sit’ with a demanding, unpredictable, or ‘difficult’ person, to give the carer a much needed break. And friends fear getting too involved – especially if it looks like a long term situation which could go on for many years.
The physical costs are more associated with heavy nursing, or maybe a very emotionally damaged person who can become aggressive. But over many months, a very busy caring lifestyle leaves little time for relaxation or exercise which would help keep the carer more healthy.
Financial costs may be due to income (like wages) that is no longer coming into the family, or maybe to the costs of paying for medical items for the caring situation. Equipment, transport, buying in help, and some medical expenses can all become expensive. In the UK there is more government funding available for carers, but often they do not know it is available, are put off by how complicated it is to apply for the benefit or grant, or may feel angry that they have been turned down, possibly unfairly. Fortunately in many towns there are voluntary agencies which give expert and friendly help to apply for benefits: in the UK there is the Carers Trust – details at the end.
It would of course be quite wrong to paint a totally dark picture. For many carers, maybe for all sometimes, it can be a ‘labour of love’. There is a special relationship between them and their charge, of love, respect, companionship, a feeling of the carer being needed, and that this caring is valued by the person and also by friends outside who do understand and respect the carer. At its best, old relationship problems may be overcome, and good memories from the past shared in a loving and creative way. New forms of communication may be built up: the sense of touch, shared pleasures and memories and healing laughter.
But there is often a real need for the church to be more aware of the needs of carers, and indeed to know who the many carers are, if they are prepared to share details of their situation with others. Some deliberate help must come from the church as a whole, starting with recognition of carers as valued individuals within the fellowship, with particular and often individual and changing needs. This includes awareness training for leaders of church groups; prayer; updating information and support groups (if any) for carers in the local community, and having this available to church staff and leaders; and looking out for issues (but without trying to impose our solutions!) Systems of practical help might include transport, particularly at the individual level between friends of the carer. Guidance from the church’s pastoral caring group, if any, will be important here.
Housegroups are an obvious context to be aware of carers’ needs and to support them in friendship and prayer and understanding. This will need to be both in times of caring, and when the caring ends and there is a feeling of loss, sadness and possibly guilt. It may be a case of the housegroup being creative in maintaining proper contact with a member who is a carer and can only come occasionally. There may be some ‘treat’ that can be organised, to fit in with the carer’s lifestyle. More major, but greatly appreciated help may be a group project to tidy a garden or help decorate a room. Certainly the fun, togetherness and feeling of achievement of such a project will benefit the housegroup just as much as it does the carer! Other church groups through which support for carers can come may include youth ministries (especially for supporting young carers), if indeed the younger carers have the freedom and time to attend them. The sociable coffee time after morning service is a good opportunity to catch up with such friends.
Support from individual people is something we can all think about offering. Often we church people are very busy, and regular support may not always be practical for people with other work and family commitments. But this need not always be time consuming. The following can all be valuable:
ensuring useful information is passed on
offering the occasional lift
making clear we are available for help in an emergency
arranging something special for the person they care for to look forward to (we all need that!)
teaching the carer a useful new skill – computing and online shopping, driving practice, form filling
offering to collect something from town, eg necessary medicines
doing a practical handiman job
lending a book or dvd
moral support may be needed – accompanying the carer to a difficult visit to an organisation for advice, or to claim a financial benefit
a home visit (at an appropriate time) for a cup of tea, listening, and praying together
adapting your hospitality so it is available to both carer and the person they care for
recognising the individuality of the carer and the one they care for can be heartwarming. This could mean giving not just any flower, but their favourite one, remembering their special colour or book author or food or hobby. All this makes someone feel special and cherished
Helping the carer to maintain an interest of their own; this can be a valued offering
It is very important to ask the carer “How are you?” and not always “How is your mother?” (or whoever) – so that they realise they are important to you also!
It’s vital that carers feel supported and have someone with whom they feel comfortable talking very honestly. (Eg if dementia is involved; with the reassurance that it’s normal, and nothing to be ashamed of at all.)
Here are some sources of support and information for carers:
The Carers Trust http://www.carers.org/ . They offer a service by phone, drop in at the office (at certain times), and if necessary home visits. The staff are all trained and there is a calm and confidential welcoming atmosphere. They have a vast database including specific medical conditions, respite and residential homes, and Age Concern factsheets (which are excellent), and they will keep members informed on topics of interest to them. They raise awareness amongst employers of carers’ needs, give help with advocacy with social services (they will attend case conferences with the carer), and give detailed advice on claiming financial benefits. They run training and recreational events for carers, and there are usually local support groups.
Holidays for families in hardship, crisis or bereavement: http://www.jonascentre.org, tel 01969 624900. The Jonas Centre has twelve Scandinavian styled log cabins and wants to partner with the church in its outreach to families in need of a holiday. The Jonas Trust is accepting applications for subsidised holidays (Monday to Friday & occasional weekends) at its centre in Wensleydale. Churches, groups and organisations who know of families in crisis or facing hardship, anticipating or experiencing bereavement, or needing a break from caring roles, should send a letter of nomination, outlining the circumstances of the family.
Support for young carers: https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/support-and-benefits-for-carers/help-for-young-carers/ . This group of young people who take on major caring responsibilities is now being better recognised. Social services are offering more services to young carers; Barnardos runs a Young Carers Project, barnardos.org.uk .Also see www.youngcarers.net .
For carers with a disabled child ‘Contact a family’ 0808 808 3555 are open 10am – 4.00pm Monday to Friday for advice and information on all issues: www.contact.org.uk .
Other useful websites: http://www.carersuk.org; http://www.ageuk.org.uk/ ; http://www.alzheimers.org.uk (Alzheimer’s Society).
Or try putting ‘carer’ into a search engine like Google; it is amazing how much comes up, and most encouraging!
Important PS from Pete: This section of notes about caring was compiled by a good friend Verity Smith for another website I was involved with, which is no longer using them. I have been unable to ask Verity’s permission to reuse (and lightly update) them here because she herself has now moved on `upstairs` into the glory of God’s presence! But I thought the risk was well worth taking!
